Makes me feel like Henry Higgins

There are some profiles out there, god bless 'em, that scream "help me!" And, I have seriously considered contacting some of these poor souls and doing my best to do just that. Except, they just might ask, "who the hell are you to tell me what to do?"

Case in point: Robert, 43, Richardson, Single (never been married). Has a profile on Chemistry. His profile photo is of him in a Santa hat with a red vest and a t-shirt with a fish printed on it. The synopsis that goes along with his name and gives a quick description of him is "Um, ah, heh...hi! :)" It gets better...or is it worse. He starts his description this way

"I'm a single guy who has never really pursued a relationship, not that I've had a lot of opportunities. I'm basically just feeling my way along, trying these sites out to see what they offer. So far I still haven't had much luck."

Wow! Really?

He continues...he's a compute programmer (again, another surprise) and he travels some in pursuit of his Strat-o-matic baseball hobby (?que?). He finishes with this:

"Despite my age I am very new to this, which I'm sure comes across. I am not a hard-charger, and I'm not one to initiate contact; if you're interested in someone who's honest and will be supportive of you, you're going to have to make the first move. That's just how I am, despite what Dr. Phil would say."

Oh, and I neglected to add this part. He describes himself as "big and beautiful" but looking for someone from 25-45 who is slender or athletic/toned.

The next guy I need to help "noticed me," by the way. Goody for me!

George is 48 and lives in Haltom City. Did I mention he lives with his parents? Anywho, George's quick description that accompanies his name is

"I have low expectations about meeting someone on this site and I'm pretty sure that I won't be disappointed. But what the heck."

Wow, George, you're really making me want to answer you! Your optimism is palatable!

I don't mean to come across as mean when writing about these men who are looking for basically the same thing as I and everybody else on these sites are (with the exception of Seductive Sam and Master Dominator) - someone to share our lives and the ups and downs that go along with it. However, if you're trying to sell yourself, which Internet dating is...really, let's call a spade a shovel...then you need to have a damn good marketing plan in order to compete with the likes of Trent, the super dream boat-y 47 year old sports psychologist from Denton who has a 6 pack that I would be buying on a regular basis in Kroger if it was available. Seriously, according to his synopsis he's "ready for adventure" and in his eloquent profile talks about his life and what he's looking for in a partner - "The woman I would like to meet would share similar interests, but also would bring her own self, ideas, and personality." And she would also be an age appropriate 36-55. That's a MAN who doesn't want to raise a child, unlike our Santa chapeaued friend above.

it's a freakshow out there, people!

I will say that having my initial experience on eHarmony and Chemistry did not prepare me for the total freakshow that is out there. And they're all on the free sites! I guess the adage of "you get what you pay for" is apropos, eh?


In addition to the previously mentioned PPJ, the parade of freakshow includes the following:

• "bad boy", 47, Plano, "available" (i.e. he's in a relationship of some kind but still available): who writes me "why does it look like you have a very naughty girl hidden behind those eyes?" After reading his profile, where he says he is looking for "new friends, short term dating, long distance pen pals, casual sex" I knew I was not ever (repeat, EVER) going to in any way meet or talk to this yahoo, but for the sake of my loyal readers and this blog, I responded to him with "I don't know. Why would you think that?" Let's just say his next two responses were highly inappropriate and I've now blocked that bad boy!
• "mr. submissive", 34, Tennessee, single: writes me a cut-n-paste email (more about that in another blog entry) on Sunday that "I am looking for a smart, fun and strong minded woman for some stimulating conversation and a nice relationship...I am in Dallas all week on business."
• "seductive sam" from San Francisco, 43. He will be visiting the Dallas area often for business and will be in town for 3 weeks starting April 2nd. Here's a quote...I can't make this up, people (and please notice the , with no name before...aka another cut n paste): “If you are still waiting for Mr. Right, then, in the mean time, would you not want to spend magical time with this Mr. Right Now - who will stimulate your mind, raise your spirits, and pleasure your body skillfully and caringly?, if you find this proposal unwelcome, then please disregard this message with my apologies. I will not bother you again. But….if this proposal intrigues you even a little – well then read on!! When I arrive in the Dallas area, I would like to host you for the first of our many dates..…lively conversation, fine wine, exotic food and …If all goes well – then I envision, beautiful, erotic and satisfying nights making love. I am a lively companion and an interesting conversationalist. I am also a good kisser, and a sensual masseuse. I enjoy giving oral and really showcasing my skills in finding that elusive g-spot! And if your big thing is satisfying, long penetration, I am skilled in that regard also (and I can attest that those Kegels definitely work)!"

WHA???

Seriously, I often feel like I need a shower after reading some of these messages. Either that or a lobotomy.

david 2.0

So, a few weeks ago there was a "free weekend" on eHarmony. You remember eHarmony, right? The Internet dating site I came across the 5-times-married-and-maybe-not-divorced-the-last-time Farmer Frank.

The thing about the eHarmony free weekends, unlike the Chemistry free weekend (which was the week before) is that if you don't pay you can't see the guys pictures. Which, in a way is a good thing. I base my interest on what they write, not how they look. And, it was during that weekend that I get "mark from Dallas is interested in you!"

Yes, mark (with a small m) was interested in me. 43, 5'11", international sales director, the most influential person in his life is exactly like me - his child. Six things he can't live without are "diversity and culture, choice, gotta have good music, yoga, child/family". Ok, so he's a little hippie, huh? A hippie with an apparently great career who still has his priorities in order. Another plus on his side - when asked about what additional information he wants known, he said, " I am high energy, active curious, i say 'yes' 95% of the time and the other 5% i say, 'sure why not'... i've a successful career and am looking for another curious genuine soul." I like that! Most guys I've come across think that adventure is going to a restaurant and having their steak cooked rare.

So, we do "the dance"...answering questions back and forth. His answer to what are you looking for in a relationship partner? is "connection communication calibrated expectations open mindeness real people... dig? sense of adventure spirituality curiosity." Wow - calibrated expectations? I don't know what the heck that means, but it sounds good. Still, I have no idea what he looks like. And he's still writing in lower case letters. Reminds me of my college boyfriend, David, who always writes in lower case letters. Personality wise, he kinda reminds me of him, too (David was born in Guatemala to missionary parents and grew up in Central and South America before moving back to Abilene when he was a teenager. Today he's a Spanish translator.)

So, we get to the email part. But, the free weekend ends! Darn! Argh. What to do? I like what I know of the guy, but do I really want to pay to just see where this thing goes? I decide, "sure, why not."

I sign up, and finally I get to see mark's photo.

I think I stopped breathing for a minute when I saw it. He looks remarkably like...David. Or, more appropos, david. Bald head, beard. Apparently speaks Spanish (he's going on a trip starting the 7th to Mexico and Brazil for 2 weeks).

It's so strange I copy and paste his profile, including his pictures, and send it to David with the subject matter of "remind you of anyone?"

He replies:

i dunno, let's see... 43, 5'11', bald white dude w a beard, friendly, open,
social, likes kids & beer... i dunno- nobody really comes to mind! :)~

Well, he said it. Both 43, both 5'11, both bald white dudes (with blue eyes) and beards. Both speak foreign languages fluently. Both write without ever appparently noticing the Shift key. Frankly, it's a little disconcerting. It's the bizzaro david. No, it's the new and improved david...david 2.0. I say "new and improved" not as a dis to the original david, but he's happily married to Becky and they've just adopted Jack. We've become great friends since we dated in college. But, this is a newer version. With a lot of the same great features as on the original david. But now there's anti-lock brakes and a sun roof.

mark/david 2.0 and I are going to meet when he's back from his trip at the end of March.

Oh, no...no...NO...NO!!!!!!

I'm still trying to figure out this latest situation...which trumps all the other crazy blog postings that I've started or have in my head to start. It's just...I don't know. I'm at a loss really, and for those who know me, that doesn't happen often.

Makena was on my computer playing a game so I decided to check my iPhone for email. Soccer game cancelled because it's raining yet again (delete), unbelievable sale at Overstock.com (delete), David commented on your posting on Facebook (delete), etc, etc, etc. I get to the email from OkCupid ("hey! someone chose you on Quick Match!"). Now, as I mentioned before, Quick Match is like going through a Rolodex of people and profiles - rate them on a score of 1-5 stars. If someone chooses you 4 or 5 stars, it automatically produces an email telling that person "congratulations! One of these 9 people gave you high marks...if you give high marks to the same guy who chose you, we'll let you know. If not, no biggie. Somewhere in the first few people you rate will be your potential match." (I've highlighted this to let you know this is an important fact...)

So, someone chose me on Quick Match...lemme see the choices. Of course on the iPhone, the pics are all about a 1/2" square, and I'm over 40 so my eyesight stinks. Young guy, goofy looking guy, kinda serial killer looking guy, another young guy, ooh - cute guy (please be him!), kinda cute but too young guy with a photo of a little kid dressed up as a mariachi next to him (what's up with that??), black guy trying to look all hot, tattooed and earring-ed out potential skinhead guy...wait. Is that who I THINK it is?

Yes, the dreaded has happened...maybe. I've come across a photo of a guy I think I know. Not only someone I know, someone I've worked with and who is married. Oh, crap!

So, I forward the email onto a friend of mine who knows this other person and is on OkCupid as well. I then call her.

"Hey, I just sent you an email from OkCupid. You have to tell me if the last picture is Joe (not his real name)."

"Hold on, I gotta pull it up on my computer to see...oh my god, oh my god, OH MY GOD!!! That's JOE!"

So, she goes to his profile. Yup, it's Joe. Who describes himself as "I am vegetarian, polyamorous and pagan." What??? Well, neither one of us is an idiot, but neither one of us really know what the hell someone who is polyamorous is, so she looks it up with our friends at Wikipedia: is the practice, desire, or acceptance of having more than one intimate relationship at a time with the knowledge and consent of everyone involved.

Alrighty then!

She continues, "his profile says he's looking for activity partners, long distance pen pals and casual sex!" EEEWWWWWHHHHHHHH!!!!!! I tell my friend, "you know, Joe will know you saw his profile, and he'll know it's you because he'll see your photo" to which she says, "I'm deleting it now!" After a few more "Oh, my gods" we hang up, vowing to never speak about it again.

Makena's dad picks her up and I start to then think about that whole Quick Match thing. They tell you that the person who picked you will be in the first few profiles - so you basically KNOW who picked you as a 4 or 5 star. I'm creeped out by the fact the Polyamorous Pagan Joe was actually the one who picked me. But, it's like a car wreck...I can't help by look. So, I log on and go to Quick Match.

Sure enough, within the first 5 profiles, guess whose picture pops up? PPJ. Jeez. I call my friend back. So much for never speaking of this again.

"Guess whose picture pops up?"

"Well, apparently he has a thing for blondes...his wife is blonde. (Pause for effect) He must have had a crush on you the whole time you worked together!"

Oh! I think I just threw up in my mouth a little!

"Hey, I found this out when I was closing down my profile. Go to 'Stats' and you can see who viewed you." Sure enough, at 10:00 something this morning, PPJ viewed my profile. "So, that means he knows you're on there, and it also means that he knows that you know he's on there!" (whose on first??)

I tell her that it's a good thing that I don't work with him anymore because I could not look him in the face now that I know all this. She tells me her new nickname for him is Pollyanna...if anyone talks about how great a guy he is, etc, etc, she'll just say, "yeah, he's a real Pollyanna."

We will not talk about this again.

B-B-B-Benny and the Jeff

I signed up on OkCupid, first coming up with a username (Hawaii related) and uploading my photo. That's IT. Nothing else. I was in process of filling out my long and drawn out profile when I see that I already have a message. ALREADY?

I check it out...

How are you doing?
I would be very interested in getting to know you if
there is interest on your part. Let me know if you would like to do so. I am
from Hawaii by the way. That is the Big Island in my picture in the green shirt.
Best to you, Jeff

Ok, that's a little creepy. How does Jeff know he'd "be very interested in getting to know" me? I mean, what if I'm like the Master Dominator and I'm looking for a little worm to lick my boots?
Well, I decide to check out his profile, thinking it couldn't possibly be a good fit.

I decide I may change my opinion (how's that for being non-decisive). Intelligent, non-stalker-y, more into quality over quantity. Likes good wine. Could be a possibility, but I've got to finish my profile...and besides, really, I still couldn't get over the fact he's contacting me with no information. So, I get back to writing. Then, an IM pops up:

close level of match, close in age no reply, it has to be the bald
head. :)

Wow. Persistent isn't he? I respond:

hahaha...actually, no, it's not the bald head. I was a little taken
aback that you sent me a message when you saw nothing else than my screen name, pic and age! that doesn't tell you a lot about me.

He replies:

that is why I would ask questions, i said I would like to get to know
you

Well, I guess he has a point. It would be the same way if we met at the grocery store, too, isn't it?

I see. well, actually, once I read your profile I found you very
interesting. You're obviously intelligent with diverse interests and a nice
smile. I'm answering questions and filling out my profile right now. I will
respond. My name is Lisa, btw.

so nice to meet you Lisa and I look forward to hearing from you.

But, who the heck knows...maybe once he reads my profile he'll say "no friggin' way." So I respond to him:

Jeff,

As promised, I am responding!You are from Hawaii? Which island? How did you
get to Dallas from there? I've only visited the Big Island once, for the Lava
Man triathlon. It isn't my favorite island - Kauai actually is. Now that I've
finally put more on my profile, let me know if you're still interested in
getting to know me. A bald head is not a deterrent, by the way. My ex was, and
Yul Brynner was one attractive man! Enjoy the snow! Lisa

He responds back, very polite and nice - we chat about Hawaii, Internet dating (I told him "To me, it's like trying to buy a cantaloupe over the Internet. You can see a picture of it, but you can't really tell what kind of cantaloupe it is - does it have a big bruise on the other side? Is it even ripe? I keep hoping that life will be like it was in college and I'll meet someone the "regular" way. But, it just doesn't happen that way anymore I guess.")

He suggests we talk on the phone. Oh, boy, here we go. I tell him that I could talk on the phone, but I don't have a whole lot of free time as I have a 6 year old and have her, well, most of the time. He replies back that he has twin 6 year old boys, so he understands and would be available to talk after they go to bed at 9pm. Wow! A kindred soul!

He leaves me his number...it's 8pm. Makena goes to sleep at 8:45, so I call him at 9:15.

Deep voice...very deep voice. It's funny talking with someone whose picture you've seen but haven't talked to...the negative of talking with someone and getting a picture of what they look like based on their voice.

First conversation is...a little awkward. A few pauses. He tells me that he's got primary custody of his two boys. Had been working as a consultant and traveling all the time, but once he got them he got a job with one of his former clients and decided to give them the stability and direction they needed. For me, that's BIG plus on his tally sheet that would more than make up for a few awkward pauses. It's obvious that Jeff doesn't have the best sense of humor. A little dry. We talk a bit about wine. He's got some impressive bottles, but maybe seems perhaps a bit...pretentious?

The second conversation - much better. He loosens up, I guess I do, too. I tell him about the Master Dominator and the polygamist...he tells me that "the polys are all over this site." He tells me that he's had 13 first dates and only one second date (he ended up dating this woman for several months).

So, he says he's "feeling it" after talking the second time. I'm kinda...meh. It's a maybe. We've made a date for March 19th. I'm sure a pretentious bottle of wine will be involved in some way.

Meanwhile...

The day after I signed up and Jeff IMed me, when I came across "the polys" and the Master Dominator, I got an message from Benny. He complimented me on not only knowing who Nina Simone is but liking her as well, was funny (plus!) with self depreciating humor (double plus!), goofy (triple plus!), and a musician (oh, no...).

Now, I've gone down the musician road before. In college I had a boyfriend who went to North Texas for music and ended up becoming a professional musician. That equals to having to do a bunch of other part-time jobs to earn enough to do what he wants some of the time.

So, no bueno, but Benny is funny and interesting (he graduated from the best music school in the country, Berklee) and quirky (he owned a vintage bowling alley in Washington and eats fried peanut butter and nanna sammiches on Elvis' birthday). We share crazy stories about weirdos we've come across. But, would I ever date him? In a word, nope. But, I'm also not just here looking to date - I need to expand my relationships in general - friends are needed, too.